East Dallas Times

By Bruce Felps

Like last night’s offering, this appeared earlier today at NBCDFW.com pretty much as it is here.

But boy, does it apply here in East Dallas, where celebratory bullets tend to rain down at midnight like so many meteors in a shower.

For God’s sake, people, please don’t fire off guns at the crack of the New Year.

Dear Stupid People,

Allow me to introduce you to a little concept called “gravity.” It tells us that what goes up must come down.

So when you stagger out tonight at midnight, tell your buddy to “ho’d mah bee-ur an’ wah chiss,” and fire off that handgun to welcome 2011 into your life, that bullet will crash back to Earth with enough force to kill somebody, maybe your buddy, who will then collapse and spill your beer.

You don’t want that, now, do you? That’s a bad waste of good beer.

You might not believe me. Well, here’s a little something from a public notice issued by a suburban police department: “… in the case of bullets shot into the air, officers say they come back down at a velocity great enough to kill.”

See there? Now it’s official.

But you’re going to do it anyway, right? The beer is smarter than some cop.

Just know that police want your neighbors to narc you out. “If you hear gunfire on New Year’s Eve, you’re asked to call police, even if you don’t know where exactly it’s coming from. If you ever see someone fire a gun into the air, call the police.”

That, dear stupid people, is not a 311 call for some minor nuisance. It’s a big-boy 911 call because you are a major, dangerous nuisance.

Now, go out tonight, have fun, drink responsibly, and leave the guns locked up at home. Happy New Year.

I don’t need a bullet-ectomy performed on my head. I already have a big hole there.

Hugs and toodles,

Bruce